he’ll never suspect a thing
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How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*