he’ll never suspect a thing
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
bout dat hot dog summer
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place