he’ll never suspect a thing
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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Happy Febuary everyone!
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.