“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.