Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

What?

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Nomnomnomnom

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’