Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

same bro

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Glasses

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!