Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street