Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.