Hell yeah 馃憤
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
yeah I鈥檓 excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where鈥檚 Waldo.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Although we鈥檝e been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It鈥檚 completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I鈥檝e walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
hi why am I like this
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you鈥檙e here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn鈥檛 have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband鈥檚 shoes, so now I鈥檓 waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn鈥檛! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Wow! It鈥檚 hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Back in the good old days, we didn鈥檛 have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.