Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic