Hell yeah 👍
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*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
💁🏻♂️
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Unmatched
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.