Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?