8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: Where’s your maternity section?
Her: Over there. How far along is she?
Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.
No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!
FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird