Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.