Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.