“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
