Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves