Hell yeah 👍
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You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*