Hell yeah 👍
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Rather alarming headline…
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can