Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
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Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat