Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
