Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge