Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

My only stock options are chicken and beef.