Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Just a friendly reminder!
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines