Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.