Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.

Hot hot hot 🥵

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.