Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that