Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
this is literally a CIA plant