Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.