Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Diversity: “I have a boyfriend”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.