Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.