Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale