Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I’m being attacked 😭
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol