Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”