Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
figuring out my emotional availability:
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face