Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I put the p in pants.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
this article brought to you by lions
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn