Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

ACED my prostate exam!

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.