Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.