Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

normalize having existential bread

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.