Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.