Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch