“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Probably my best painting.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’