“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Social distancing in Australia:
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
wtf management?!
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing