Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..