Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

The internet is magic sometimes.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Otters drive ottermobiles.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Think I pulled my liver

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

A Monday every week is excessive

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…