Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.