Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

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Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.


Me *wakes up from nap*

Wife: what are you doing up?

Me: was I not supposed to wake up?

Wife[nervous laugh] what?


Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!

Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble

CW: What was that?

Me: You too


*sees a truck*

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.


astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely


MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?


Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time


My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.