[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
God, I love Scotland
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
me doing my best
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
This is my cat’s medicine.