Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me *wakes up from nap*
Wife: what are you doing up?
Me: was I not supposed to wake up?
Wife[nervous laugh] what?
Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!
Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble
CW: What was that?
Me: You too
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*sees a truck*
*sees a trucker*
*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.