Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement