Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.