Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.