[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Tough love is true love