Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up