hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Spider-cat: No One Home
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.