hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Lmao
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*3.5 thank you very much.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years