Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave