Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second