Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

But is it really??

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.