“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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what does he know…
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
drew a comic about my origin story
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes