“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
termite twitter scares me
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
hmm conte-me mais
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”