Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.