Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.