Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

couldn’t resist

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Was it something I said?

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power