Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL