Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.