hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
how do y’all walk in shallow water
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive