Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.