Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
How do I get a job writing these texts
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house