Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

awesome draft from months ago i just found

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

fixed it