Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
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waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that