Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Boating season is upon us.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why