Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.