Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist