Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.