Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
“Gotta hear both sides”
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Your honor, I second that motion
Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”