Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

😂😂

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

I love the National Park Service.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it