Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably my best painting.

trivia

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

Super Hand Dog Face

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.