Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

How do you get into the School of Rock?

You rock enroll.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me: