Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Seems a bit forward

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.